Runaway Future

It’s been an interesting few weeks.

The last time I made a “real” entry was right after I met a girl. I didn’t know what to make of her so I kept quiet, though over the past two weeks, I’ve told my tale to many a soul. Last night, we went to dinner.

It went well, extremely well. We talked about family a lot. Our mutual fear of the future and of following what we want to do. Talked about work way too much, then admitted that that was the one thing we didn’t want to do. Can’t be defined by what pays the bills.

At the end of the day, I don’t know where it will go. We were both honest enough with each other to say that anything serious wasn’t in the immediate playbook. She’s dealing with the remnants of a long term relationship that dissipated. I’m dealing with…me. I’ve been letting things get to me and then in an effort to shrug it off, I put up a flippant mask. In the past month, some of my closest friends have called me “a child”, “an ass”, “immature” and I’ve been advised to “grow up sometime”. Eventually, you’d think I’d get the point. But I digress.

She’s at a similar situation, perhaps a little farther down the road then I am, trying to find herself and understand how she approaches the world around her and where she’s going. It was really healing and inspirational to talk with her in length about things like that. This probably is all coming out ridiculous.

It’s comforting to know that other people out there are dealing with similar things as I am, approaching them in similar ways, with the same fallacies and weaknesses and the need for boundries and the uncertainity of dreams and the regret of past lessons.

I think we’re at similar points in our lives, but I don’t think there’s room for either of us in the other’s life. It’s odd, because I’m not saddened by that and I almost expected that I would be. It’s more of an eye-opener of who I am and who I want to be. Maybe I’m just saying all of this aloud to reassure myself, to lie and say I understand.

Earlier this month, I talked with someone about relationships and admitted that it wouldn’t be fair for me to do anything like that right now, because I know I’d bring in baggage, which given my history is frankly quite ridiculous. But I’m beginning to realise all that and work it out. Understand what I’m actually doing and where this train is going. I always have guilt, because I’ve always been told about my potential and what I’m capable of. I mean, any of you reading these words knows that when I apply myself, I can acheive (this is obviously personally focused, but it really applies to all of us). I only ever scratched the surface of that: Leadership Training Camp, the Scholarship Interviews, the Skate Park, sometimes during College,my application to Kings, my job interview. Never consistently, never without feeling there was something left in the tank. Peter Oliver always pushes me towards living up to that.

Right now it’s really an all or nothing situation and for the next two months, we’ll be equally scarce. I leave, she leaves, rinse, repeat. I guess some effort should be made to keep the lines of communication open.

I’d like to see her again, obviously I’m attracted to her and hell, from my babbling, maybe I’ve even fallen for her, like so many others. However, that will have to wait.
And I think I’m ok with that.