So last week, due to a number of different things I was working on, my computer was tied up a bunch and I had to twiddle my thumbs while it processed stuff or restored files or did whatever else it is that computers do. (forewarning: this whole post will majorly be clearing my chest about my job, and talking technical a bit as well).
Naturally, stuck in that situation, my mind wandered, thinking mainly about work and decisions made in the past. Slowly but surely, I got caught up overthinking the missteps of the past. If I only had known that I’d get approved for a new server less than six months after I ordered the new mail server. If I only had known to get 32 bit version of Windows 2003. If only I had a bit of foresight, some sense to look at the overall direction and needs of things. If only.
Even Playsport, which is a big misstep (or at least a number of smaller ones tied together, none of which I can really claim to have any responsibility or effect on as it all occured before my time) weighs on me. The unrealized potential, the fading dream. If I only could have been around at that time, brought what I know now to the table. If only.
Then add in this week. Since Monday morning, the network has been sporadic and intermitten. I thought it was fixed yesterday and today it was the same story. I spent all of today in the server room. I skipped lunch. I fought off the fear that I have no idea how to fix this. Something, somewhere is placing undue stress on the network and dragging the whole thing down. I fear it’s a virus infection that Norton just isn’t seeing. I fear even more that it’s just general network load and that it’s completely unfixable. I just don’t know.
Admitting that is very hard and very defeating. Today sucked the life out of me. The gripping realisation that there isn’t going to be a magic fix that will make everything work is twisting my stomach. The uncertainity is deafening. I don’t want to go to work tomorrow, because I have barely any other ideas to try to fix things. And then what?
Last week, when I talked to a co-worker about my bummed out lamenting of the past, she tried to convince me not to be so hard on myself. I work alone, despite the pretenses of being on a team. I’m the IT department. No one knows what I do half the time and no one can cover for me when I’m sick or on vacation. I’m the grunt, the squad leader and the general all at the same time, but I’m forced to spend too much time in the trenches to have the vision of the overall battle. I can’t stop fighting to step back and look around. There’s no one to bounce ideas off of, no one to bring another viewpoint to the table.
I realized today that they have blind faith in me. Which is actually quite reassuring, to know that they trust what I’m doing and have my back. But at the same time, it feels hollow when I consider my own self-doubt and lamenting about past missteps. If I screw up, no one really knows, at least not to the ‘it’s my fault, blame me’ point. In the same breath, if I do well, no one really knows either. I have blind support, which I don’t need. I need help.