Runaway Future


The worst week of my life

Filed under: The Daily Grind — forbes @ 21:48

When I was in Grade 12, my girlfriend (and prom date) dumped me about a week before my high school prom (and graduation). It was also a few days before my birthday (which might not actually be true, but allow me to take some poetic license with the story). Up until this point, that would probably rank as the worst week of my life.

The past five days has blown that high (low?) water mark away. The network at work is going up and down at will, with me scrambling to figure out why. I might have it figured out now, but I need to go in tomorrow to try some more things.

I went to the NSCC meeting and grew frustrated by the format and the reasoning behind it. More on this later, but hopefully this is a situation I can actually change.

I received an email from my editor at HF basically saying ‘Kevin, we got you a press pass and all you’ve done is 2.5 articles from the Q. What’s the deal?’ I haven’t figured out how to respond yet.

And here is the icing on the cake. Yesterday, there was a staff social function (we all went curling). Afterwards, four of us went to the Thirsty Duck. We all ordered the kung pao, me with shrimp, the other three with chicken. I think the shrimp must have been bad, because I woke up through the night with major stomach issues (out of both ends! yay, too much information) and ever since that fateful dish, I have been unable to keep anything in my stomach.

Physically, I’m tired and hungry, with a furious stomach. Mentally, I’m worn out and stressed, with a lot of my mind from work. Bring on the weekend.


operating in a silo

Filed under: The Daily Grind — forbes @ 0:19

So last week, due to a number of different things I was working on, my computer was tied up a bunch and I had to twiddle my thumbs while it processed stuff or restored files or did whatever else it is that computers do. (forewarning: this whole post will majorly be clearing my chest about my job, and talking technical a bit as well).

Naturally, stuck in that situation, my mind wandered, thinking mainly about work and decisions made in the past. Slowly but surely, I got caught up overthinking the missteps of the past. If I only had known that I’d get approved for a new server less than six months after I ordered the new mail server. If I only had known to get 32 bit version of Windows 2003. If only I had a bit of foresight, some sense to look at the overall direction and needs of things. If only.

Even Playsport, which is a big misstep (or at least a number of smaller ones tied together, none of which I can really claim to have any responsibility or effect on as it all occured before my time) weighs on me. The unrealized potential, the fading dream. If I only could have been around at that time, brought what I know now to the table. If only.

Then add in this week. Since Monday morning, the network has been sporadic and intermitten. I thought it was fixed yesterday and today it was the same story. I spent all of today in the server room. I skipped lunch. I fought off the fear that I have no idea how to fix this. Something, somewhere is placing undue stress on the network and dragging the whole thing down. I fear it’s a virus infection that Norton just isn’t seeing. I fear even more that it’s just general network load and that it’s completely unfixable. I just don’t know.

Admitting that is very hard and very defeating. Today sucked the life out of me. The gripping realisation that there isn’t going to be a magic fix that will make everything work is twisting my stomach. The uncertainity is deafening. I don’t want to go to work tomorrow, because I have barely any other ideas to try to fix things. And then what?

Last week, when I talked to a co-worker about my bummed out lamenting of the past, she tried to convince me not to be so hard on myself. I work alone, despite the pretenses of being on a team. I’m the IT department. No one knows what I do half the time and no one can cover for me when I’m sick or on vacation. I’m the grunt, the squad leader and the general all at the same time, but I’m forced to spend too much time in the trenches to have the vision of the overall battle. I can’t stop fighting to step back and look around. There’s no one to bounce ideas off of, no one to bring another viewpoint to the table.

I realized today that they have blind faith in me. Which is actually quite reassuring, to know that they trust what I’m doing and have my back. But at the same time, it feels hollow when I consider my own self-doubt and lamenting about past missteps. If I screw up, no one really knows, at least not to the ‘it’s my fault, blame me’ point. In the same breath, if I do well, no one really knows either. I have blind support, which I don’t need. I need help.


And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee

Filed under: The Daily Grind — forbes @ 13:28

So on Tuesday, without my knowledge, my boss used my desk at work as a change table for his son and then proceeded to hide the used diaper in my office. That diaper remained hidden until Thursday, making my office fragrant to say the least.

Unfortunately for my boss, I possess three qualities that he lacks:

  1. I live practically next door to work
  2. I have keys to every office in the building, including his
  3. I have a lot of free time on my hands

So after a short trip to the dollar store and an hour and a half at the office today, this will be the sight that greets my boss tomorrow morning:



What has writing taught you?

Filed under: The Daily Grind — forbes @ 0:47

Wow just wow

  • that the Internet is the single most dangerous threat to productivity
  • that a piece of writing is never truly finished
  • that writing is lonely
  • that writing, difficult as it is, is for me easier than not writing
  • that the past can be healed — or at least mended — through writing
  • that writers are my posse


Link to the essay referenced. And another one that I like.

Fear is that little darkroom where negatives are developed.

Filed under: The Daily Grind — forbes @ 0:18

Found this article on what scares a common man. [LINK]

Although, I don’t completely agree with the first one (I see where it’s coming from though, an extension of the ‘a man’s only possession when he’s born is his good name, it’s up to him to keep it’) and I probably don’t agree with everything else on there either (Tofurky?), it is a surprising realistic look at the inner thoughts of the common man.

I also find it hilarious that most of the comments on the article are made by women. This article hits the mark, but I don’t think there’s any need to dive deeper then that.

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