Runaway Future

A man I know from work passed away last week. He had been going through some troubles and was depressed so it appears that one night, when the pain was too much, he ended it.

It came as a shock. A co-worker called and told me about it the night after he died. The police took a day to rule out foul play because the nature in which he came to his end was done so precisely and so clinical that it must have at first appeared to be the doing of another hand.

We went to lunches together often. He introduced me to Bearly’s, got me hooked on Guinness. He didn’t work in the office, but was there often enough. One of those people who would email you a joke halfway through a difficult Monday, usually one of those jokes that you have to close your office door and lower your speakers for. Always a wry smile, a wink, a chuckle. Could actually talk technology, which at times was a godsend, just to be able to have someone understand that part of what I do.

He was well off in his life. Successful financially and more importantly wealthy in friends who cared about him. In fact, he valued the second so much that the first seemed to be unimportant. It was not unusual for him to pay for lunch. Hell, I witnessed him pay a waitress’s speeding ticket after he heard about her misfortune. No questions asked, just like that. If anyone needed anything, he would be there to give. My only hope is that he got back as much as he gave.

It’s hard to understand, it’s hard to rationalize. Prior to this, I always thought that suicide was a cowardly option, one of those things that leaves hurt and confusion to those around you, while you escape the troubles. I see it as being more complicated then that now. A lot of factors and I can’t even begin to grasp the gamut of emotion. I can’t pretend to understand how someone gets to that point, nor do I think I really wanted to.

In my search for answers, I watched the film, ‘The Bridge‘ over the weekend. It profiles people jumping to their death from the Golden Gate Bridge, focusing on half a dozen or so, actually showing their jump and then talking with their family and friends. It sounds morbid and maybe it is, as the actual act is caught on film, but there’s more to it then that. To hear people talk about how they dealt and how they understand is very helpful.

I wasn’t able to attend the funeral today, nor did I go to the wake yesterday. Too much going on, both around me and inside me, so this is my closure, this is my way of dealing.

I have this thought from that movie, something that has stuck with me for the past few days. It’s a father talking about his son who jumped.

He said whether some people believe suicide is a sin. He asked that a lot. I said, that’s something Man made up. At least he thanked me that I’m telling him the truth, it’s just, y’know, I don’t know. It’s just I don’t think God’s going to hold you responsible for something you can’t handle. And he said, well, whether I come back or not, he says, y’know, if I do, I’ll see you again, Dad, if not, just know that I’m at peace.