Runaway Future

21.10.2012

Who forgot to float away

Filed under: The Daily Grind — forbes @ 11:33

I feel the need to preface this by saying I don’t think I really believe in ghosts, I don’t view myself as being overly spiritual, let alone religious, but I guess I believe in something more than just coincidence.

At the end of July, I made this post on my Tumblr, pointing out that for what seemed to be the first time ever, there were blue jays outside my apartment. Blue jays represent something simple and special to me, they remind me of the cottage, which really is the only permanent home I have, the only structure I can point at with memories stretching back since birth.

A week after I made that post, I went to see Liam at the hospital. I wasn’t prepared for what I saw. It shook me up, I didn’t make it home before becoming a complete mess., tears in Victoria Park. When I did make it home, I remember lying on my couch and staring at the ceiling. Then a blue jay started shrieking outside, my phone buzzed with a message and I embarked on a misguided journey that night to drink all the booze in Halifax trying to fill a void.

The next morning, I woke up on my couch to the sounds of the blue jays and the messages blinking on my phone that LB had passed away overnight.

LB’s passing really bothered me mainly because it didn’t seem fair. He was important to so many people, I’m having a hard time taking a step in this city without running into someone else who knew him and who loved him.

But it continued like that. That entire week, the wake, the funeral, the party after the funeral, going to meet friends. It was all punctuated by the calls of blue jays.

I’m not trying to say that there’s something supernatural happening here. I’m sure it’s all just confirmation bias. But a lot has happened since the beginning of August until now. And now every significant step, whether it’s the process that landed me at my new job or just meeting up with people, there’s been a cry of a blue jay. It’s like a guide or a totem, right path and wrong path.  I almost feel like I can get cues on which is the right direction based on the blue jays. And it feels crazy to admit that.

In June, I went to Toronto for three Blue Jays games. It was a trip that I bought at a charity auction to raise money for LB and his treatment. So I guess that’s the connection?

It’s weird, it’s likely my own imagination, but it’s also kind of reassuring.

19.10.2012

The Race

Filed under: The Daily Grind — forbes @ 0:38

Something that stuck with me:

The past few weeks have been some of the most hectic weeks of my life. I have been everywhere and then some, or at least it feels like it. I think these weeks have changed my life. I think I have learned some stuff about myself, and I think I actually enjoyed the busyness. I think I proved to myself that I can handle pressure. Not school or social pressure, but real life pressure, which is basically all the pressure you’ve had all your life plus death and taxes. It’s funny though. Now that I’ve realized I might actually be able to handle adult life, I know how much I don’t want it–not now, at least.

I feel like we’ve been thrown into this race ever since we were young. A race to grow up. And the intensity of the race gets more and more as the race goes on. And it’s about right now that the race is at its most intense, and it’s scary, because I’m losing some people in the race. They’ve stopped to take a rest, catch their breath, enjoy the fresh air. It’s been a long race. At the same time, some people are thriving, so much so, that I don’t even know if they know why they want to win the race anymore! They just know they have to win, and they’ll stop at nothing to get there. Now, I have to figure out how I want to run the race. Matters are only complicated when I find out that there are no shortcuts in this race, and there are multiple ways to finish the race. More choices. Decisions. The possibilities are endless.

Saturday at Sunset – Sunset in the Rearview

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