Runaway Future

31.1.2013

come January we’re frozen inside

Filed under: The Daily Grind — forbes @ 1:04

The one bonus of having such a lengthy public record of myself (almost 7 and a half years, although the quality is dubious at best), is seeing trends in myself and what happened in my life.

Two Januarys ago, I wasn’t happy. It was the culmination of a lot, an autumn of stress, a winter of disappointment. Nothing I hadn’t faced before, but this time it was too much and too overwhelming. I hesitate to call it depression, because that word has such a stigma to it. In the end, I came out of my tough spot no worse for wear and it feels like referring to it as something more serious than it was diminishes the struggles that other people face.

Like I said, in the end, it cleared up, but there were lessons learned. It set into motion the wheels that led to me leaving work later that year and it made me a bit more in tune with my own feelings. Especially around this time of year.

Last year in January, I was just finishing up at the old job and sitting on the couch.  I was unemployed, but happy. I called it my retirement. Blissfully unaware of what would happen next. I was waiting for a phone call that would never come, a job opportunity that never bore fruit. It all led to a roller coaster of a year that was 2012.

And so now this year, I’m finding myself taking special care to my mood. Making sure I’m minding my pace. Trying to get exercise in there. Eat well, get sleep. The whole healthy circle.

I haven’t had a drink since the 20th and I’m not planning on having another until the Super Bowl this weekend.It will be two weeks, so nothing huge and not really any sort of statement, nor is it supposed to be, but it is a required pause.

On the morning of the 21st, I woke up and I felt something. That dread, that weight, that hole. I’m not sure if it was the booze from the weekend (NHL started on the Saturday, NFL conference championships were on the Sunday) or if it was something more. That morning, I wrote down that “the hangovers aren’t making me happy”. So I decided to take a bit of a break and made sure to go for a run that night.

A week and a half later, it still feels like I’m staving off the wolves at the door.

It’s not a perfect solution, but at least time I know what’s on the other side of the door.

25.1.2013

courage

Filed under: The Daily Grind — forbes @ 15:02

21.1.2013

dim

Filed under: The Daily Grind — forbes @ 9:31

I’m starting to wonder if I’m becoming stupider as I get older.

In elementary school, I was hauled out of class and allowed to play Oregon Trail because I was picking up the concepts quicker than the rest of the students (and I was becoming a distraction when I was bored).

In junior high, I placed highest in the province for some nation-wide standardized testing. My parents still tease me to this day by saying I was the smartest kid in Nova Scotia in Grade 8.

By the time I graduated high school, I dipped slightly and finished second in rankings.

Through college, I felt pretty smart, picking up computer programming quite easily and also more involved and informed about the world around me (or at least more opinionated…or at least more sure of my opinions).

Even now, I look back at some things I’ve written (certainly not here) and wonder who that guy was, because he definitely seems smarter than me.

At this rate, I estimate I’ll be struggling with simple tasks like dressing myself by the time I’m 30.

18.1.2013

Passion and clarity

Filed under: The Daily Grind — forbes @ 1:25

Is there anything else that people need?

I know I’ve talked about this concept of the “run” before, in my vague way. It’s the fact that the past four months have felt like a pure sprint. Just identifying where I want to be or more to the point, identifying who I want to be and heading toward it as fast as possible. Having that focus, that direction, that clarity.

It’s all been powered by blind faith, not necessarily in myself (I learned that I’m going to be okay last spring when things fell apart), but more just belief in this process, that things will work out. At the very least, it has led to clarity.

It is too simple to say that this whole “run” concept is work related. After all, the new job (truthfully, the new job path) was only one of the defining arcs of the last year. But that’s where we hit passion and that’s important.

I still chafe at the idea that my job defines who I am. I accept the¬†naivete of that (part of me just simply refuses to submit, to settle and accept my place in the working world). I just know that doesn’t directly correlate with who I want to be. But what I can do is easily accept that I am defined by my passions. If I am passionate about work (and the work I am doing now certainly fits the bill), then I am alright with the whole thing. Semantics? sure, but it has allowed me to rectify some paradoxes in what I want and how I want to get there.

Passion is the most important part. Passion is rooted in intelligence and conviction. It’s something to be respected.

This new year has started with a natural progression of what has been happening for the past four months. If progress is how this year is going to go, then I can get behind that.

Am I completely happy with everything? Of course not, but I’ll be okay with it, because I know I have to be.

More to the point (but still being stupidly vague), there’s a lot happening right now and yet I’ve hit a nice calm about it all. Still waters run deep and I feel like I’ve finally started developing some still waters. It’s long overdue, probably even too late in some aspects.

Even more to the point, I wish I could share all of this with you. Because you’re right. And that clarity has helped continue to feed everything else.

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