Runaway Future

On Wednesday, I went to a talk given by Frank Warren about the PostSecret Project.

At this point, I’m just going to assume that everyone knows what PostSecret is, if not, the link is on the right. People put their secrets on postcards and send them to this guy named Frank who then posts them on the Internet.

The presentation left me unfulfilled and I’m not completely sure why. There was a heavy tone of the after-school special messages to “be yourself” and “love yourself and others” that seemed far too sappy for my liking.

I felt at times that the talk did a bit of a disservice to the original senders of the postcards by always looking for a deeper meaning behind the words on the card. The people who sent these in were trying to share a part of themselves, to alleviate a burden they had been carrying, not necessarily inspire others.

A number of the cards contain messages that are powerful enough to stand on their own and be inspiring based on their own merit. That is, in essence, why the project has been so successful. In that aspect, perhaps the whole thing is better presented as an art show, something that has been done elsewhere, where people can derive their own deeper meanings and hidden messages from the cards.

At this point, I have to apologize if this post is a bit hacked together. I’m reconstituting the general idea from a text message conversation I had after the show. In the end, we agreed that there was a moral that can come out of the Postsecret project that is worthwhile: the idea that “you’re not alone because we’re all fucked up.” Which is an ever so eloquent way to say that the teensy little dramas or even the big problems we face are far from unique.

That concept marries nicely with another idea I got as I was walking out of the presentation. These secrets being shared could be of the utmost importance to the people sharing them, hell, there were a few girls who stood up during the presentation and admitted suicide attempts and self harm, powerful stuff. But at the same time, in the big picture, those same ultra important secrets don’t mean anything to you or I, the innocent bystander with barely a tenuous connection to the secret bearer. It doesn’t have any great bearing on my life whether some anonymous person has never admitted to her boyfriend her true age or whatever it might be. As important as that is to her, my interest is only curiousity.

Which I guess leads to the final thought I’ve had drumming in my head since the presentation: the idea of not letting your secrets bury you. It’s an admirable idea, to not be bound by what you hide, to be free and true.

Obviously, there’s the big battle coming to an end right now between Conan O’Brien and NBC over the hosting of the Tonight Show. Conan’s done tonight in fact, his last episode as host. It’s been the inevitable conclusion for a couple weeks now and despite this, he continued to do the show, in essence, a lame duck host playing out the rest of his time. Nothing that he did in the past week would really save his job, nor would it seal his fate anymore then it already is. The network is seemingly letting him do whatever he wants to finish off his run and that will be that. With that freedom, he’s probably releasing his funniest material right now. That freedom has truly set him free as a performer and he’s on, he’s in the moment, bringing his ‘A’ game to the stage.

Perhaps a similar effect could be achieved by taking down barriers that exist in life.

At the beginning of this month, news filtered out that a committee has been established to look at the size of the Halifax city council and decide whether it’s too large or too unwieldy. The common thinking is that, yes, it is too large, especially when you consider that similar cities (and even larger cities) seem to operate more efficiently and effectively with fewer councillors. The current Halifax city council is 24 members strong, with a mayor and 23 councillors and at times, the lack of progress in this city frustrates me. Time is wasted debating the affairs of chickens and cats, while actual issues like policing, tax reform and the sad state of affairs that is downtown Halifax are mired in debate, childish bickering and committees.

But let’s be honest. Nothing is going to change and here’s the three reasons why:

1. Pessimism – This is the feeling that persists with almost anyone I know who follows municipal politics. The idea that nothing gets done ever, which, in fact, is actually a strong argument for a smaller council, as there would be less debate and bickering and perhaps some actual decisions and advancements instead.

2. Politics – This is likely the reason that will be given when in a year’s time, council decides to throw out the anticipated recommendation for a smaller council. The idea that it would negatively impact the citizens of Halifax, by having them represent a larger area, having less of a personal touch. If my councillor has to represent half of the peninsula, it makes it harder for me to harangue her about the state of Barrington Street. This is a view that is supported by Tim Bousquet from The Coast. On the flip side, having a smaller council means that the voice and the vote of a single councillor is that much stronger at the table, so maybe that’s better?

3. The Truth – Here’s the real reason why, in a year’s time, council will throw out the recommendation for a smaller council. No one at that table will vote themselves out of a job. Each councillor makes over 65 thousand a year, while the mayor makes a little over 132 grand a year for their service. I can respect that it’s a difficult job without regular 9-to-5 responsibilities. But it’s a decent enough gig and I frankly can’t imagine that any of the councillors has the fortitude to put the city before themselves.

Here in Halifax, among the many stops on the FM dial, there are two radio stations: C100 (C100 FM) and 101.3 The Bounce (CJCH-FM).

C100 touts itself as a Top 40 radio station. Playing the hits, or as they put it “Today’s Best Music”. It’s pretty much the regular station you hear in public in Halifax, like at the dentist or in a store. It fits in the niche in between a classic hits station like 96.5 Kool FM, easy listening like Lite 92.9 or 105.9 Seaside and the rock radio stations like Q104 or 89.9 HAL FM.

The Bounce (a relatively new station) angles a bit more toward the dance/club vibe, calling itself Halifax’s Hit Music Station. It’s focus is a bit of a younger crowd, placing it in competition with Z103.

Now both stations advertise themselves on TV and in some cases, these advertisements air one after another. This makes sense as the stations are both run by the same company, the CHUM Radio Network.

As radio advertisements often go, both feature clips of music that they would regularly play. In this case, they sample maybe five songs, combine that with talk about their station and clips of the city and the music videos associated with the songs they chose to represent their station.

Here’s where it gets interesting though: both TV commercials are almost exactly alike when it comes to what songs they chose to play. Both commercials begin with Black Eyed Peas – I Gotta Feeling and ends with Katy Perry – Waking Up In Vegas. I think one of the middle songs is also Lady Gaga – Paparazzi in both cases as well.

Now I’m not arguing that these songs don’t fit the general identity of both stations. All three songs can definitely be considered Top 40 hits with a bit of a dance or club vibe to them. I guess what gets me is that for a company trying to establish unique brands and identities for their radio properties, the decision to use identical songs (the precise bread and butter, the actual product that music radio puts out) is a bit mind-boggling. How can you establish exclusive distinctive brands by using the exact same material?

Frankly, it seems like a lazy decision and I’m surprised that whoever handles the marketing for CHUM let it pass.

It’s always been the question and in some cases, the assumption that I would follow the lineage. I can’t even begin to remember where it started. As I got older, the question always carried the same intention, but the wording changed: “have you ever considered…”, “is that something you would like to go into…”

I always had an excuse. For a while, it was June 14th, 1996 and that I didn’t think I could stomach having to deal with that. The lasting image of tears and exhaustion slumped in a chair on the back step, of defeat. Though it painted me as cowardly, it was a title I could bear, as a young teenager, I just couldn’t imagine being able to handle that.

For the past half a dozen years now, the excuse has been the eyes. I can’t wear contacts, I can’t get LASIK, thus I can’t achieve the minimum level of sight required. It was convenient and unquestionable. I’ve been successfully able to evade answering the question for years now simply because I physically can’t do IT. My eyes allowed me to avoid dealing with IT, to avoid navigating the complicated feelings about IT, whether following through would ever be my own path or just what others would want of me. I haven’t had to consider it.

Now things are changing, the eyes can be fixed. In fact, the eyes will be fixed; I’m on a wait list for surgery for my eyes. They called this week to confirm that surgery is the option I wish to pursue. I could have the procedure done as early as February. My excuse is soon going to be gone and I still don’t have an answer.

The truth is, of course, that I have considered IT. Greatly and yet still not enough. I considered IT a lot during the three months at the end of the my college program and again last September. Last September was almost too much, being immersed and overwhelmed in that world. The question loomed large, it always followed “and what do you do?” I fumbled for answers, for meaning and found little. To those who ask the question and see their own dream in me, there is no other answer that stands, everything else isn’t on equal footing. You either do IT or you’re of a different standing. I still consider IT a lot now and I still don’t have an answer.

My path remains clouded.

…

“I don’t think you could do IT.” The words tumble onto the table, splash into my face. My cheeks burn as I bite my tongue, strangling the reply before it even touches my lips…I would have said the same thing about you two years ago.

Physically, I have few doubts. I may not be in the best shape of my life, but I know what it takes to get there and I recognize that even when I was there, less than a year ago, there was much room for improvement. With proper motivation, with a goal, it would be achievable. It would require work, but achievable.

Mentally, again, no doubts. It all comes down to applying myself, something which admittingly, I rarely do, but if I were to go for IT, if I chose to dive in, full desire, I know that I can’t be stopped. This is just short of cockiness and I’m aware of that.

You’re wrong. I could do IT. But am I weak just because I might choose not to?

Truthfully, it’s never been my dream. I’ve taken the time to ask those who went for IT about when they knew that that was their path and most admit that it always was. IT was always something they wanted. IT has never been for me. I have friends who are now considering IT, others who have gone through with IT and I honestly don’t fully understand why. It’s been a mantle I’ve carried since the beginning, but why others, without the expectations, without the life long influence. What draws them in? What attracts them? Is it just the idea of steady work, an honest job, something to take pride in?

I once had a conversation with a friend of mine about the appeal of the ‘honest work’. The charm of putting in your 9-to-5, honest, hard, blue-collar work, then hanging up your coveralls when the whistle blows, going home and not having to deal with the idea of work again until the next morning. No lasting questions, weighing to-do lists, no feeling that you’re falling behind or fighting a losing battle. Just pure, simple honest work. It sound so attractive. I don’t have that now. I understand that likely, I’m too smart, too absent-minded, too easily bored and distracted for that. I’m too smart for my own good.

On the flip side, I just don’t see value in forging ahead, in pursuing IT to live out someone else’s dream. I don’t see value in doing IT to prove any doubters wrong, to change an opinion, to become the prodigal son, to live up to what others may view as my destiny. Is it wrong to want to forge my own path, become my own person, regardless of the expectations of others?

If I were to do IT, it would have to be my reasons. The morals, standing up for what is right and just, defending what is right and just. But even that doesn’t focus me enough right now. IT’s an option, IT’s always been an option, but I could never short-change my own future to live out someone’s dream for me.

I’ve been asked point-blank. Sitting at a table, eating lunch. Straight to the point, before I even knew the eyes could be fixed: ‘do you want to do IT?’ I still don’t have an answer.

I think it would be hard for me to characterize myself as a “fan” of Halifax. I have many complaints about the city and the way it is run. I often think about leaving, about what life would be like living in a different city. I’m concerned about the direction this city and province are taking politically, socially, economically and developmentally.

With that said, I’ve found myself into the pretty unexpected situation of defending the city.

First was the girl who I met at the Seahorse. She was surprised that I knew where Kuwait and Crete were (apparently she is from both) and then she spouted off about intrinsically racist she thought Halifax was. Now, granted I am far from having my finger on the pulse of any racial tensions that this city faces, but she was so cavalier about how apparent it was (to her at least) and immediately dismissive of me (because I couldn’t see it and thus was part of the problem). She couldn’t provide any examples other then it was just the way some people seemed to treat her. Clearly, this treatment had nothing to do with her overbearing personality and her tendency to talk down to people. She already had plans to move away. It bothered me that her view of the city was so poor, as this was not the city I knew.

Then there’s a few people I know from Ontario who seem to continuously claim how lame and boring Halifax is, especially compared with the vaunted Toronto. I guess it bugs me because it’s not productive, nothing is accomplished by comparing a smaller city unfavorably to one which is much larger. It reminds me of an saying I once heard “whether your sunglasses are on or off, you only see the world you make.” I have fun in this city, I can find things to do and I don’t feel that the city is directly limiting me in any great capacity. Is that all because I grew up in an even smaller environment, where there was even less to do? In any case, the worst part is that there’s no reason for them to be here: they have no family here, no ties other than a few friends and a job. If it makes people so unhappy to be here, makes them feel so limited, then why are they here?

Of course, with that being said, I was in a film called Let’s All Hate Toronto. So maybe I’m part of the problem.